A Quick Laugh to Get By

[B-Man]

 

 

Good Morning!

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

 

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

 

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

 

 

 

 

[B-Man]

Billy Bob tells his friend Luther, “This year I’m gonna do my vacation different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.”

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”

“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.”

“Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again!”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, whatcha you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”

 

 

 

[Foxx]

https://twitter.com/buitengebieden_/status/1335022798746628098

 

[B-Man]

 

 

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.” 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 

The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”

 

 

[LB3]

@plenzmd1 If I remember correctly, you love these too. 🤣🤣

 

 

 

[plenzmd1]

17 minutes ago, LB3 said:

@plenzmd1 If I remember correctly, you love these too. 🤣🤣

 

 

 

love every minute of them! The dudes are fighting in Richmond VA...in the neighborhood over where i just moved!!! My homies!!! 

 

BTW, that was from like April

[LB3]

2 hours ago, plenzmd1 said:

love every minute of them! The dudes are fighting in Richmond VA...in the neighborhood over where i just moved!!! My homies!!! 

 

BTW, that was from like April

Yeah. I just hadn't seen the Street Fighter Version. 🤣

[plenzmd1]

2 hours ago, LB3 said:

Yeah. I just hadn't seen the Street Fighter Version. 🤣

I can watch the 2nd one over and over! Although, its not a fair fight with the hair. Someone should have stepped in and declared fight over due to Rob Ray rule.

[Foxx]

[Nanker]

THINGS THAT SOUTHERN BOYS NEVER SAY

  30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

  29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000,  Alex.

  28. Duct tape won't fix that.

  27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.

  26. We don't keep no guns in this house.

  25. You can't feed that to the dog.

  24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

  23. Wrestling is fake.

  22. We're vegetarians.

  21. Do you think my gut is too big?

  20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.

  19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

  18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?

  17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

  16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

  15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

  14. Trim the fat off that steak.

  13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

  12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.

  11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

  10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

    9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

    8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.

    7. Checkmate!

    6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.

    5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

    4. I don't have a favorite football team.

    3. "Youse Guys"

    2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

  1 Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Elizabeth Warren Campaign.

[Uncle Joe]

A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson.  This is what he said.  "Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.  My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace."

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.  Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty, peace & justice for all.  Amen!"

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.  Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for ice cream!  Why -- I never!" …  Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa?  Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."  "Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.  Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.  My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.  He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am,  this is for you, you grouchy old bitch!  You must be a Democrat, shove it up your butt and cool off!"

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it. He will make a fine Marine one day.

[Foxx]

https://twitter.com/NorthmanTrader/status/1337502060099547136

 

[B-Man]

[Just Joshin]

This is funny but I am not sure they meant it to be.  This could go in the football side but it seemed right here.

 

Questions from the weekly Bills mailbag column  in the Athletic:

 

Would it make sense to sign Kelvin Benjamin to a team-friendly deal for a playoff run? We don’t have any big targets in the red zone. — Joseph W.

 

The next one is almost as funny:

 

I know this is crazy, but is there any chance the Bills try to trade Allen this offseason or next while his value his sky high, betting on a regression like Carson Wentz’s? They could use the two-plus first-round picks Allen might command to get a new rookie-scale QB. — Eric V.

 

Apologies to Joseph or Eric if they are members here.

[Foxx]

[Foxx]

https://twitter.com/stranahan/status/1340182522739736576

 

[Foxx]

 

i guess it hasn't happened since the middle ages.

[B-Man]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LB3]

 

 

[Nanker]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

 

Not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. 

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

 

Boy: Dark in here.

Man: Yes it is.

Boy: I have a baseball.

Man: That's nice.

Boy: Want to buy it?

Man: No, thanks.

Boy: My dad's outside.

Man: OK, how much?

Boy: $250.

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

 

Boy: Dark in here.

Man: Yes, it is.

Boy: I have a baseball glove.

Man: That's nice.

Boy: Want to buy it?

Man: No, thanks.

Boy: I'll tell.

Man: How much?

Boy: $750.

Man: Fine.

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!

The boy says, I can't. I sold them.

The father asks, How much did you sell them for? The son says, $1,000.

The father says, That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

 

The boy says, Dark in here.

The priest says, Don't start that shit again.